I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
