I puked a lego.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
