somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
