the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
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I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
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I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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