wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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