did you get engaged???
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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