and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
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Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
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When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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