Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
