I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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