I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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