Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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