i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
