I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
