we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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