I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
