You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
