I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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