Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
