u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
