you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
