please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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