You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
