Just cropdusted the office
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
