I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
My ATM looks so different sober.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
