just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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