Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
