It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Randomize
