I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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