I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
