the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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