You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
babies were throwing up all over the place
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
