Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
