The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
