its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
