woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
My dick has a subreddit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".