apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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