you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
