This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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