When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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