They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
