guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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