Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
