So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
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Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
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I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
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