It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
