You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
