Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
