i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
