You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
