went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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