People in love make me want to vomit
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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