I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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