I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
