got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
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I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
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I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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