update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
