I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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