The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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