sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
The ass gains better be worth it
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