If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I need water and some morals
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
