i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
